Forgive Us as We Forgive Others
Some of you who hang around in Christian or “church” circles may have heard and even spoken out loud the words, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” (If you haven’t …… um …. you may need to get out more!) Some say “sins,” others, “debts,” but no matter how you express it, I find it difficult to pray honestly without feeling I must modify it to say, “Lord, please have mercy on me and forgive me much better than I forgive others.”
For much of my life I didn’t really feel I had an awful lot to forgive others for. I mean there were the little slights, hurts, disappointments, etc., but nothing like many have had to deal with; rape, murder, abuse, neglect, abandonment, the list is nearly endless. There ARE things in life that are mighty stinking hard to forgive.
Several years ago, having planted and pastored a church for 23 years, I was suddenly confronted by some I believed to be my closest companions, and thrown out of ministry with a series of half truths, untruths, misunderstandings, suppositions, speculations, etc. (I certainly felt like it was more of an attack, but I am not sure how they may have viewed it.) These were all publicly declared as gospel truth not only to the entire congregation but written out to my “denomination’s” credentialing body.
I was stunned, amazed, devastated, crushed, wounded, angry ….. well, there simply are no words …...
The results of this action were, as one would imagine, devastating. The congregation I had labored for 23 years to build was decimated. Long standing relationships were destroyed over night. Some believed the allegations, others didn’t, but it was as though someone had pulled the pin on a grenade and lobbed it into the tent. My reputation in our small town and denomination was trashed, as people had no idea what to believe and I was allowed to make no defense ……… ever.
A year or two from retirement age my income and life’s calling were removed.
My children lost complete faith in the leadership that had raised them in the faith. My prayer and concern is that they not completely lose faith in God. But, I suppose that is above my pay grade to control. Many new believers were shattered in their faith. They couldn’t trust their “pastor” who now was under a cloud of allegations of evil. Yet they could not trust the leadership of the church as things were done so unthinkingly. Many were and are scattered to the wind, “like sheep without a shepherd,” as Jesus said.
Sunday School teachers, Elders, Deacons, Pastors, family friends, suddenly treated me and my family like pariahs. I and we went from being loved, honored, respected, cherished, and sought after to being social outcasts from our long standing friends overnight. Those we had comforted, counseled, loved, stood with, married, buried their loved ones, saved their marriages, defended, prayed for, wept with, and ministered to for years suddenly disappeared.
Many real live people were damaged, perhaps eternally, by these actions.
Well, enough sharing of the pain. The pain is not the issue. I even raise the pain issue fearfully, not wanting to either simply glean sympathy or to throw rocks. I share these personal things to indicate how difficult it can be to pray sincerely “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” It is profoundly challenging when the wounds of life are, intentionally or not, inflicted by those we love most, particularly when we believed they also love us the most. Shakespeare sounds Julius Caesar’s plaintive cry as he is dying at the hands of his closest friends, “et tu Brute.” “And you, Brutus.” This literary term is now used to portray the utmost betrayal.
I want to believe these men had noble, and perhaps pure, motives. I cannot know their hearts. But it appears to me that their stated objective of “protecting the Church” did not find its intended mark, and rather caused widespread devastation.
Now, that is at the human level. I call to mind the Bible account in Genesis of Jacob’s sons selling their brother, Joseph, into slavery into Egypt
In our world many experience pain, trauma, betrayal, and unimaginable atrocities at the hands of others, often even family. Physical and sexual abuse and a multitude of other ills are rampant throughout our culture and the world.
Yet we are to pray, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.” We scream against this. It is not “fair.” We want revenge, justice, truth.
The only voice that speaks for forgiveness is the “still small voice.” Jesus makes it clear, Matthew:14-15 “For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.” NIV Many other scriptures teach that we will be “judged as we judge,” we will “reap as we sow,” etc. This is challenging stuff.
As believers we must wrestle with forgiving others. Our eternal destiny, our mental, emotional, and spiritual health, our sanity, our joy, all depend upon grasping this. As with other difficult sayings of Jesus, I struggle daily with this and must openly acknowledge to God that I know I should forgive, I want to forgive, I will to forgive, I speak words of forgiveness, and yet I need His grace in ways I don’t even know to complete this and make it a daily reality. Perhaps I am beginning to learn and do this?? I fervently hope so. Nothing like being late to the party, eh!?
But, if the Gospel is not adequate for the real trials of life and death, who needs it? Is it merely myth and fluff and man’s invention to keep other men enslaved, as is the charge of the cynic? If so, there is no hope for this world or the next.
When God forgives, He seems to be able to also “forget.” I do not seem to be able to, either in forgiving myself, or in forgiving others. God seems to be able to wipe the slate entirely clean, and does so upon our open acknowledgement of our sin, weaknesses, and failures. I John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” NKJ This is an amazing and wonderful thing.
I must add to my sin a weakness in the area of forgiveness, and readily confess it. But the ideal is out there for us, and it is in the recognizing …. and striving ……… and confessing ……. That we can grow more like Him.
But, in our human condition, I do not think forgiveness is merely acting as though no wrong was committed. One who has been genuinely wronged cannot maintain intellectual integrity by simply acting as though it was “all my fault,” or that nothing really happened. It is very good for us to evaluate deeply and honestly OUR part in a problem, face it, confess it, and deal with it. But we seem inclined to either blame just “him,” “her,” or “them,” or just myself, or in some other way miss the point.
Many, perhaps most, of the slights we experience are more in our perception than in reality. We must honestly evaluate and not permit our own minds or imaginations to supply self inflicted wounds. We need to extend to one another the benefit of the doubt. If we find ourselves perpetually wounded …… it may be just us!
But there are also real hurts inflicted upon the world, and sometimes upon us. As we look at the rejection of Jesus, for example, we see that many DID manipulate others for their own advantage. There were false witnesses, there were traps laid, there were plots made to trick, deceive, and destroy this pure, innocent, Lamb of God. Now, this was all a part of God’s foreknowledge and plan, and He was able to turn it for the salvation of mankind, but there WAS and IS actual evil and wrongdoing in the world.
Every human being since the fall of man in the Garden has imperfect knowledge and understanding, messed up emotions, broken relationships, and is broken in a host of ways. In the beginning, Cain killed his own brother Abel, over who gave the proper sacrifice. Mankind has been killing one another, literally and figuratively, ever since.
Ponder just a few of the overwhelming things some folks must learn to overcome to properly pray, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”
Ø Parents never get it completely “right” in spite of the fact that every generation says, “Man, I’ll never do THAT.” Some do better than others, often dramatically, but all fall short. All of our parents have failed us somewhere along the line.
Ø Even young children wound one another emotionally by rejection, selfishness, manipulation, deceit, tattling, etc., and it increases as they get older.
Ø Sexual dysfunction is, in one way or another, a part of us all. None of us are completely well adjusted. Some abuse, exploit and manipulate others, often in the most horrible, even fatal ways. Some use sex as a tool, others as a weapon. All want it, and yet all mar it. Some are bound up for fear of it by background, experience, religion, insecurity, etc. Others have no fear of it and become enslaved by it and completely miss the genuine love and companionship that could be available. It has been said that men use affection to get sex, and women use sex to get affection. But all are a mess. We can be insecure or arrogant about it, and sometimes both at once, but we each have our baggage about it, as with everything else in life. This produces amazing life long struggles in many people.
Ø War and strife happens, regardless of our philosophical desires or political beliefs. Dictators rise and kill all rivals and families …. Various sects arise and kill each other. The Hatfields fight the McCoys. At times it may look more civilized with lawsuits, buyouts, etc., but still, wars rage on. Even within the family of God this tendency exists. If we do not humbly seek God with sincerity and truth, we can find ourselves fighting the Baptists, or Lutherans, or Catholics, or Mormons, or Jews, or Muslims, or simply the folks across the street. Many even destroy their own church family. Because, after all, we are “right.”
All these examples show that in this broken world, all of us have harmed others, knowingly or unknowingly, and all of us have been and will be harmed by others. It is inevitable. Yet we are to pray, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.”
Jesus offers forgiveness for all of our brokenness, meanness, hardness, and sin, and offers a different sort of life than the world at large experiences. A part of that life is to learn to actually forgive others, so that we do not forever run around as victims, or forever miss the abundant life because all we can see is hurt.
One way I am attempting to deal with the hurt, pain and trauma I have experienced is to realize that I myself blew it, and have blown it!
Jesus never blew it, and evil still was present. But I have blown it ….. repeatedly, regularly, routinely, sometimes knowingly, and sometimes not.
Had I responded properly when the test came to me, it might have had an entirely different outcome. I should have known better. I was the spiritual leader, the mentor, the example. But, I was taken so by surprise and shock that I responded in the flesh. I suspect that is how our tests mostly come …. from an unexpected direction. If we are not at the top of our spiritual game …… or, even worse, if we think we are ….. we are fixin’ to get shellacked!! Perhaps that is why 1 Corinthians 10:12 says, “Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall.” NKJ
I was served up a fantastic opportunity to lead my guys and the church in how to respond to attack under pressure. I reacted in the flesh, which enabled them to react further in the flesh, and the result was that everyone in sight was hurt, battered, and bruised. Hopefully this failure will not be fatal, but it has been costly.
The next verse states a well known, but perhaps not so often employed, principle,
1 Corinthians 10:13 “No temptation has overtaken you except such as is common to man; but God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will also make the way of escape, that you may be able to bear it.” NKJ I can look back and see several “off ramps” the Lord may have provided, but I missed them and sped up as the “Bridge Out” sign loomed.
One of the interesting things about facing our own “stuff,” is that it really doesn’t minimize what others have done, but does help us realize our need for grace. When we can honestly see our need for grace, it helps us see the need to extend grace to others.
On the cross Jesus said, Luke 23:34 “Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they are doing.” NIV There were varying degrees of guilt and knowledge among the various participants in the crucifixion drama. Some may have been merely stupid; some were to a greater or lesser degree simply ignorant; some may have been really evil, “a brood of vipers” as it were. But, only God is capable of knowing which is which.
There is a pithy (and irritating to the flesh) passage in Romans 12:16-21 “Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited. Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary: "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head." Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.” NIV
I’m quite sure I do not yet “get it,” but I think I get it more now than before the trauma, ……… And, apart from the trauma, I may never have even known I need to get it. I’m beginning to think that until we are crushed a fair amount, we don’t produce much good aroma. I don’t like the crushing process, and rarely would volunteer for it. But since most folks get crushed at some time or another, we must also need it ourselves so we can stand with those that are being crushed.
2 Corinthians 1:3-5 indicates there is indeed a significant purpose for our pain. “Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God. For just as the sufferings of Christ flow over into our lives, so also through Christ our comfort overflows.” NIV
So, I find myself praying,
Lord, help me to forgive others as I have been forgiven, but please do it as gently as you can!
And also, please give me the proper desire and understanding and grace to forgive others.
And also, Lord, please forgive me abundantly more than I do others, because left to myself I am absolutely doomed!
Help me to live a life of actual grace.
This is very well written and encouraging to be able to actually forgive...God is able to do this perfectly. Forgive and forget. That's tough ~ although to be Christ-like that's what we're asked to do. Forgive: others, ourselves, friends, enemies, kids, spouses, family. Thank God for His unending GRACE and example to us for our lives.
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